Elle King Breaks Silence on Drunk Dolly Parton Tribute That Had Her ‘Just Sobbing’ on the Floor: ‘What Have I Done?’

Elle King was not supposed to even be on stage at the Grand Ole Opry in January to pay tribute to her idol Dolly Parton. Talking about the viral incident for the first time, the “Drunk” singer told comedian Chelsea Handler on this week’s episode of her Dear Chelsea podcast that she filled-in at the last minute for an unnamed headliner who backed out just hours before the event due to a huge snowstorm that day.

When King — who said she hadn’t eaten or slept in days — was pressed into service to sing during the event, she said she did a “big no-no… I not only cussed on stage, hammered at the Grand Ole Opry, but it was Dolly Parton’s birthday, and it was the Opry was doing a Dolly Parton tribute.” King said she had not talked about it yet because she “had to just chill” for a while.

After nailing a “f–king perfect” cover of “Jolene” during the first of the two planned gigs in tribute to Parton on the singer’s 78th birthday on Jan. 19, King went into a profanity-laced tirade at Nashville’s Ryman Auditorium during the second show after taking “one shot too many,” telling the crowed she was “f–king hammered” while trying to cover Dolly’s “Marry Me.” When she struggled to remember the lyrics, King sang, “I don’t give a s–t” and “I don’t know they lyrics to these things in this f–king town… Don’t tell Dolly ’cause it’s her birthday.”

The singer also berated the crowd, telling them, “I’m not even gonna lie. That’s a b-side for ya. I’m not even gonna f–kin’ lie. Y’all bought tickets for this s–t? you ain’t getting your money back… I’ll tell you one thing more. Hi, my name is Elle King and I’m f–king hammered.”

King told Handler that she had been going through “something very heavy and traumatic” in her life at the time. “And that day was a really big day dealing with what I was going through and that I’m still going through,” she said. “And I suffer from severe PTSD; I take one shot too many, and I’m just not there in my body, I’m not there. I don’t remember it. All I remember — I don’t even remember what I said. I know now what I said.”

When the curtain came down on her, King said she was “totally 100 percent disassociated,” and the next thing she can remember was her on the floor of her dressing room, “just sobbing, like, ‘What have I done?’” In the wake of the performance, King rescheduled a series of planned gigs.

Regardless of what was going on in her life at the time — which, by the way, King said she doesn’t feel obligated to explain to “anybody in the f–king world” — the singer knows it doesn’t excuse the fact that “maybe I shouldn’t have f–king been drinking… This is like a sacred stage and I f–ked up. So, for all the people who are asking for an apology from me, hey, if you were there that night and I didn’t get a chance to say I’m sorry to you, I apologize.”

Mortified by what happened, King said she hand-wrote an apology letter to the Opry, as well as to Parton, who called her a few days later and offered, “proof that angels exist. She just gave me really kind words and told me, ‘Well, Dolly’s not mad at you, why should the world be?,'” which made King laugh. “That’s the kindness from women, you know? That’s the stuff that I’ve received that I’ll never forget, ever. Because I wanted to f–king die. I had to remove myself from the population for a while because it just… wasn’t getting any better.” Parton also advised her fans in a message to “forgive and forget” in the wake of the backlash against King.

Even after she posted an apology online for the incident, King said trolls online called her an “unfit mother” and said she should “surrender” her two-year-old son, Lucky Levi, as well as suggesting she should harm herself. But after some reflection, King said the incident has motivated her to make some changes, which have helped her become a stronger person.

“I’m not grateful for it, but at the same time, I can find a silver lining in literally anything,” she said. “I’m going to choose to use this as a tool to not defeat me, but to make me, hopefully, a better person, and I can learn from my mistakes.” If nothing else, now she said she doesn’t drink before getting on stage and she’s playing the best gigs of her career.

King also talked about trying to fit into the country world, saying that at first she felt like an outsider after boot-scooting to Nashville following a more pop-leaning early career. “They didn’t try to kick me out for a while. I feel like country was pretty warm and welcoming to me and they still are,” King said. “I think a lot of the people in the country world are rebels in a lot of ways, which I kind of related to… where I felt very not at home or comfortable in the pop world because I’m was like this thick b–ch. And people were kind of mean and drinking green drinks and I’m like, ‘I like to get s–tfaced!'”

Listen to the interview below (Parton tribute talk begins at 18-minute mark).